


i'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin

by EternallyEC



Series: somewhere only we know [2]
Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Abortion, Angst, Emotional Manipulation, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Relationship, Shades of Jori
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:22:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23704549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternallyEC/pseuds/EternallyEC
Summary: Jade's facing a hard situation and there's only one person she wants by her side during it.- or -Jade's POV of the events of so tell me when you're going to let me in
Relationships: Tori Vega & Jade West, Tori Vega/Jade West
Series: somewhere only we know [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1707166
Comments: 3
Kudos: 63





	i'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Abortion
> 
> Hey all! I've been wanting to write this one for a while and got inspired today. I went ahead and created a series for this one because, well, y'all are so nice. The comments saying they'd like to see a continuation inspired me and I am planning on writing at least one more fic set in this universe to explore the aftermath of these events. 
> 
> And I want to say thank you all for being so kind. I was really nervous to post the original story because of the abortion conversation, but I didn't have to delete one single rude comment and, more than that, you were all really nice about it. Thank you for that, and please enjoy!

Jade West doesn’t get sick. 

But as she sits in front of the toilet, her face  _ sweating _ and her hair pulled back into a messy ponytail, she can’t deny that this is happening, that it’s real. 

She’s been feeling off for a while now, but she’s been chalking it up to her period. Which she realized today is late. Very late. 

Her stomach churns for a completely different reason as she eyes the plastic bag on the counter, almost wishing that she could throw up more to delay the inevitable. But her stomach is completely empty and her nausea sated for the time being, and she has no excuse not to pull herself up, using the counter for support, and take the box from the bag.

Her eyes dart over the instructions in more of an effort to distract herself than any real desire to read them. It’s not exactly rocket science to know how to pee on a stick, after all. 

Then she steels herself, realizing that she’s trying to buy herself time like a coward. And Jade West may be a lot of things, but she’s never been a coward and she’s not about to start now. 

Gritting her teeth, she pulls the test out and uncaps it. Moments later, she’s pacing restlessly around the small room, eyes darting between the timer on her phone and the stupid hunk of plastic every few seconds as she waits. 

And then, the timer dings and Jade feels like she can’t breathe. She approaches the test slowly, like it’s a rattlesnake waiting to strike, and carefully picks it up. She takes a deep breath before daring to lower her eyes to the display, her breath catching in her throat as soon as she sees the plus sign there. 

No, no, no. 

Immediately, she knows what she wants to do and, for only the second time, she doesn’t fight the urge. After splashing some water on her face and brushing her teeth, she hurriedly gets dressed and grabs her keys. At the front door she hesitates, going back into the house for a ziploc bag that she drops the test into before letting it fall into her purse. 

And then, she drives.

~ ~ ~ 

Fuck. 

She doesn’t know why she has to be so goddamn stubborn all the time. Vega, that is. Not her, although that’s a fair sentiment too. 

Jade knows that she should have been honest about her agreement with Beck, but something just wouldn’t let her. Tori Vega is the only person who’s ever put up with so much from her and kept trying to be her friend. She  _ should  _ be able to trust her by this point, but she’s too fucked up. She needs to put her through another test and if she passes this one… 

She almost smiles at the thought, but the guilt stops her in her tracks. She knows how Vega works, after all, and she knows that she must be driving herself crazy after two days of being left to her own devices. 

Oh, Jade wants to push. She wants to call and text and plead with Vega until she changes her mind, but she’s too stubborn for that. Bad enough that she tipped her hand by showing up to Vega’s to begin with, she can’t show her weakness any more. Not until she’s passed the test, anyway.

But then she hesitates, chewing her lower lip nervously as she stares at her Pearphone sitting on the bed beside her. Today’s the day, just a few hours away in fact, and she still hasn’t heard from Tori. Maybe a little push couldn’t hurt, she decides as she snatches the phone up, her fingers flying over the keys as she composes just the right message. 

_ Have you changed your mind yet? _

It’s a question, not a plea, and Jade’s satisfied that it serves just as a reminder. She doesn’t want to pressure Tori either, no matter how badly she does want her at the appointment. 

But then her traitorous fingers are typing out another message and Jade groans almost as soon as it’s been sent because it’s everything the first text wasn’t supposed to be. 

_ Please. _

Fuck. 

~ ~ ~ 

She never got a response. 

Jade grits her teeth as she sits in her car, eyeing the door of the clinic warily. She’s managed to park pretty close to it, but the walk seems impossibly long at the same time as she takes another look in the mirror and sees the protestors again. 

She wishes Vega were here. 

Stiffening as soon as the thought has passed, she groans and glares at her own reflection in the rearview mirror. She’s Jade fucking West, she doesn’t need anyone to deal with a bunch of spineless lowlifes who think they have any goddamn say in what she does with her own body. 

With that in mind, she shoves her car door open and gets out, nearly faltering at the cacophony of hate being spewed at her. Locking the car behind her, she walks slowly up to the door of the clinic, gritting her teeth and forcing back the tears that want to spring to her eyes. The words are ugly and hateful and she  _ hates  _ that they’re getting to her, but she can’t control it.

What she  _ can  _ control is how she reacts to them, so that’s what she does. She shows absolutely no signs of being bothered, taking her time to walk up and checking her phone. She doesn’t even let her body tense up, remaining relaxed while silently thanking Sikowitz for his lessons on making your body do what you needed it to do and not what it wanted.

Soon enough, she’s inside and filling out a form and then, she’s left to wait. Her fingers are drumming nervously on the arm of the chair and she lets them since nobody she cares about is here to see it. 

Then, the door opens and she immediately yanks her hands into her lap, staring at Tori fucking Vega. 

She came. She  _ actually fucking came  _ and Jade’s too stunned to even hide her surprise, much less the smile her lips quirk up into when Tori sits beside her and takes her hand. 

“I didn’t think you were coming, Vega,” she admits, staring at their joined hands. 

“I almost didn’t,” Tori answers, and Jade appreciates the honesty. The other girl squeezes her hand and Jade smiles, enjoying the contact. Her head is questioning why she’s so okay with Tori’s touch, why she never brushes  _ her  _ off or yells at her for touching her like she does with so many others, but she banishes the thought quickly. She has enough to worry about right now and she just wants to enjoy the comfort she’s getting from having Tori hold her hand.

“What changed your mind?” she asks, her eyebrow raising as she stares into Tori’s eyes. Tori’s expression shifts in some way that Jade can’t quite interpret, and she wonders what her eyes are revealing but, again, she can’t bring herself to care. 

“Would you believe it if I said Trina?” Tori chuckled, and Jade has to hold back a snicker. Who would have ever thought that she’d ever be grateful for Trina Vega?

“I wanted to be here for you and I support your decision. I don’t want you to think that I didn’t.” She sighs. “It was just complicated because of Beck.”

Guilt churns in Jade’s stomach and she doesn’t fight it. “Because you think Beck deserves to know,” she says simply, scrutinizing Tori. But she just nods in response, still staring into her eyes and Jade lets out a slow breath. Okay. Okay, she can do this, she tells herself, inwardly rolling her eyes at her lame attempt at a pep talk.

“Listen, Vega. I’ve never wanted kids. Christ, what kind of parent do you honestly think I’d make?” she laughs ruefully, shaking her head.

“Jade...”

“I don’t want you to think that I decided this on a whim just because I decided it fast, Tori. Beck and I talked about what we would do, how we would handle this happening for as long as we were having sex,” she says, spitting the words out quickly before she loses her nerve.

“One thing that we both agreed on was that I’d get an abortion. I’ve never wanted kids, Tori, and especially not now.” She swallows, gathering her courage to say the part that’s going to be the hardest. “The other big thing we agreed on was that he didn’t want to know unless I wanted or needed him to come with me,” she adds, shaking her head slowly. “I’m sorry, I should have told you that.”

Her eyes are pleading with Tori to forgive her and she can’t even care. And when Tori reaches out to gently rub her shoulder, she deflates suddenly, all of the tension disappearing as she relaxes into her touch. Tori understands, she gets it. She gets  _ her _ , and Jade suddenly wonders if she always has.

“You wanted to know if I would choose you,” she says softly, and Jade would laugh if she can’t feel the tears in her eyes. Fuck. Tori’s  _ good _ .

“Fuck, Vega,” Jade laughs, a shaky sound even in her own ear. She lets herself hold onto Tori’s hand tighter, something shifting inside of her when Tori just grins at her. “Yeah, I did,” she admits after a moment, staring at her as emotions she can’t even name run through her. “And you did.”

“I did,” she confirms, squeezing Jade’s hand back, and Jade seriously can’t believe that she’s pretended to hate this girl for so long. It all seems so petty and stupid now, sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic, and she resolves to make it up to her for the rest of their lives. Afterlives too, she amends in her head. 

“I just wish that I’d come sooner,” she says, and is that guilt in her eyes? “You shouldn’t have had to walk through that crowd of assholes alone.”

“The protesters? Fuck them,” Jade shrugs, wanting to banish that look from Tori’s eyes for good. But the sentiment warms her, makes her feel cared for and safe in a way she hasn’t felt in a long time, and she doesn’t try to hide it. 

“I can handle people throwing mean words at me, Tori. I mean, yeah, it sucks, but this is the part I didn’t want to do alone,” she tells her, holding her gaze.

She almost curses when the nurse calls her name, reluctantly following Tori’s lead when she uses their hands to urge her to stand up. She attempts to take her hand back more out of a desire not to force Tori into anything, but Tori holds on with a grip that’s seriously impressive and as unspoken words are passed between them, she can’t hide her relief. 

She manages to hide most of her nerves straight through the interview, not wanting to risk getting turned away. But what she hadn’t expected was how dejected she’d feel when Tori honestly answered the question about her being Jade’s partner with denial. Still, the words she’d chosen were a soothing balm to the wound and she lets it go because seriously, they’re barely friends. Of course Tori isn’t her partner.

The rest of the preliminaries go by in a blur, although she does spend a lot of time wishing that Tori could be with her for the physical exam. Still, it doesn’t take long and then suddenly, Jade’s terrified when she’s told to change and get ready. 

The abortion she’s been impatiently waiting for suddenly looms ahead of her, although that’s not the problem. The problem is that suddenly Jade can’t stop thinking about what Tori might think of her when this is all over and she’s not pregnant anymore. What if she hates her?

Pulled out of her thoughts by Tori asking if she should leave, Jade can’t help the pleading in her voice as she asks her to stay. Tori tenses as she changes, and Jade can’t help but wonder if she wants to sneak a peek. The thought makes her smile and it’s almost enough to knock the anxiety out of her head. 

Almost. 

She appreciates the way Tori stays close to her side once the doctor comes in, and then everything is a blur. But Tori’s hand is in hers and she focuses on that, the security she feels from it loud enough to drown out all the other thoughts in her head. 

And then it’s done and Tori leans down to kiss her cheek, and Jade finally manages to relax, her guilt and worry melting away. Tori may be the nicest person she knows, after all, but she’s not fake. She wouldn’t do something like that unless she meant it. 

But then comes the hard part. An hour-long supervision period where all Jade can do is employ all of her acting skills to not act but  _ be  _ fine. She admits to her aches but that’s it, and she’s extremely annoyed by the annoyingly chipper nurse who keeps pushing Tori away when she tries to fuss over her. 

But finally, they’re cleared to leave and Jade can’t help but smile when Tori puts an arm around her waist as she leads her from the clinic. Her head automatically rests on her shoulder and she’s so used to being relaxed in Vega’s presence that she isn’t prepared for the shouting again. 

She can’t help but tense at the words being hurled at her and this time, she can’t fight her reactions, too worn out from the procedure and the drugs and the emotional upheaval of the day she’s been trying so hard to deny. 

But then Tori’s covering one ear and her head dips to begin crooning into her ear, and Jade’s able to relax again. Her singing is enough to drown out the worst of the crowd and honestly, it’s just easy to tune them out altogether when Jade realizes she’s singing in Spanish. She has no idea what the lyrics are, her head too fuzzy to translate them even though she’s fluent enough, but the melody and the tenderness in Tori’s voice is all she needs to melt into her.

She lets Tori help her into the backseat of the car and she can’t help but smile when she tucks a blanket under her head to use as a pillow. 

Her head is foggy and mixed up and she knows that it’s  _ extremely  _ fucked up, even for her, to be so happy as Tori starts to drive them home after another unspoken conversation, but… she is. Jade can’t even remember the last time she’s been so happy and she can’t bring herself to care about the circumstances.

As she slowly drifts off to sleep, all that she can think about is that Tori’s passed every test she’s thrown her way. And now, Jade trusts her and maybe, just maybe, that can be enough to build on.


End file.
